While anxiety about new relationships is particularly widespread, most of us have been guilty of overthinking at some point. Do they feel the same? Are we right for each other? Do we want the same things? It’s normal for niggles to arise and often they’re resolved by a good night’s sleep or having an honest conversation. But if you’re feeling overwhelmingly stressed about your future together or the stability of your partnership, you might be experiencing relationship anxiety.
There’s no test for relationship anxiety. But some common symptoms are obsessive doubts that can’t be attributed to anything concrete, an increased need for reassurance, interrogating your partner’s every word and action, and having trouble being present – focusing on the ‘what ifs’. It can show up physically too, with symptoms like fatigue and butterflies in your stomach. All of the above can weigh heavily on you and impact your overall wellbeing, as well as that of your other half. In understanding the causes, you can begin to take steps to manage relationship anxiety and build a more harmonious partnership.
What can cause relationship anxiety?
Factors that contribute to relationship anxiety are unique to the individual, however there are some common threads that can cause unease. If you’ve had trust broken or experienced rejection in a past relationship, the fear of being hurt again can manifest as insecurity or constant reassurance-seeking behaviour, even if there’s no tangible reason to worry.
Differing attachment styles, the ways we behave and interact in a relationship, can also play a big part. If, for example, you feel like you need regular reassurance or words of affirmation from your partner and you don’t receive this, doubts can spiral – you might interpret this as signs of disinterest or pulling away. Often it’s not this at all, but simply that you have different attachment styles and ways of expressing affection.
Personal insecurities and situational factors can also have an impact. If you have low self-esteem, you might second guess yourself (and your relationship) more, amplifying small concerns into bigger problems. Stressors like work, money or health can also aggravate relationship worries.
How to deal with relationship anxiety?
The first step is recognising that you’re not just experiencing everyday ups and downs, then to proactively seek to understand the source of the anxiety. Working with a trained counsellor can often help with relationship anxiety, guiding you in reflecting on past experiences and identifying patterns that might be contributing to your current state of mind.
Communication with your partner is key. This might feel daunting if you’ve never broached this sort of topic before, but honesty truly is the best policy. Try to explain your feelings without judgement or accusation. It can be easy to place blame when you’re feeling low, but creating a safe space where you can both contribute is much more productive. If you’re struggling to see each other’s points of view, couples therapy could help. A counsellor can help you to overcome relationship anxiety, providing tools and insights into your attachment styles that support you both.
It’s also important to remember that you’re in control of your own wellbeing. While romantic partners have a big impact, independence is important too. Taking time for self-care, mindfulness practices, hobbies and exercise can actively reduce stress levels, so can also improve relationship anxiety.
